Faith, Upside Down

12/6/12: "In between" is a place that feels like limbo. Not knowing whether to go back, making a choice to remain hopeful, while inside you want to scream, you want to beat the shit outta someone...you want vindication. You feel stuck, worthless. Wondering why people are so intimidated, jealous, petty, vindictive ...and what is wrong with me that this keeps happening to me over & over with people. And how is it, that I cannot seem to find that fit that'll win for me. At 48, I'm frustrated and trying not to be depressed. Be grateful for the blessings I do have. I'm not especially motivated. And I'm questioning my motives. In between a rock and a hard place. Sad face :(. I want to hide & yet shout/scream. My place is like a jungle cave, it's old & comfortable, secluded & charming. I don't want to fall into that. Independence, freedom. I'm weary & tired of always depending on others. I need to reconnect w the island perhaps it's my turn to go. 10 yrs. Dec. 13th or what else? Trust is tough. Risk makes me tougher. In between-serene-mean-unforeseen.

5/2013: Adrift
Adrift - I need a kiss-Adrift-I'm the only lift-up-high enough-I'm done w stupid-SHIFT-to rise above the pettiness-the cattiness-Adrift like a raft-or a balloon-did you catch my drift? Cuz there it went-ya gotta be quick-to sift through-all the bullshit-away-adrift-amiss-WHERE is that kiss? Ascent-WHY am I surrounded by slackers? I am adrift in my own ambition-wandering. Markers help me-Adrift-where are the live savers? Adrift on land-saving my own ass-Adrift-into the arms of my own liking-my own integrity-Adrift in my own comedy-A mind of matter-my own remedy-to be my own counsel-Adrift-wander. It isn't a penance. I found THAT kiss while I was Adrift! <3 And I am blessed to be my own savior. I was never really Adrift. I was tethered and wrapped in my own schtick.

8/2014: Oh the stars the million stars! The night sky is black this new moon. I can see clusters and the Milky Way. The stars shooting across the sky! Polihale reveals itself and the celestial bodies seem to welcome those that come to appreciate its magnificence. I could just lay all night in the sand looking up and not seeing the same exact sky! Flecks and sparkles, dots & dashes...the sound track are the crashing waves & the crackling fire. The voices laughing, the lack of sleep is worth the price of admission to witness this once in a lifetime natural splendor. Houses of the Holy and you feel the dead, the other worldly vibe. It's unlike any experience a human could hope to have. I stop to breathe and just take it in - just be in it! Sunrise comes and the landscape changes. The morning hue is pink & hazy. People begin to awake. It's another day in paradise. I don't think I've ever seen the water so calm.  It's usually so rough & turbulent, tossing whatever is in its path. I am one of the lucky ones to be a witness to truly one of the wonders of the world.

5/2015 & 6/2015: Big purple-ly bluish color cloud, like a big bruise gives me pause to look at the night sky in paradise. Bruises of all kinds either fade, get absorbed by the body or they begin to pool. The blood sits like these nimbus clouds in the sky. They look like they are ready to burst, like a hematoma flowing from a wound. The rain will pour out when eggplant colored clouds finally release their life giving liquid. I think of the hematoma and the river of hemoglobin I witnessed. It just wouldn't stop - this gushing of red wine pouring down the old body. I used gauze, bandages much like a dam to stop the leaking. It was futile, a temporary fix, much like a leaking roof or getting caught in the rain w newspaper or a magazine. You just continue to run & try to make it stop or get dry. Change the bandage and wash the mess away. Raining down......

7/2015: Friends - defining friendship. What is it? Camaraderie? Similarities? Honesty? Support? But how far does one go for friends? Is it supposed to be at any cost? I don't know anymore. As I age, I am not sure I want too many friends. It's a shift. When we are young that's all we can hold on to...or when when one is co-dependent...we want nothing more than to cling to what remains, of a friendship,,,that has long since expired? I've divorced friends..long time - 20 yr friendships that I thought would go on forever until the end of my life. But it's me. I've evolved. Grown away from what was. History w/ friends is sketchy - details I miss - I don't remember or don't care to. I've found that I really enjoy my company and people annoy me. Is that cruel or self actualizing? I wanted so much to be accepted until I realized what bullshit it all is. People are jealous & petty. They have agendas. It's rare to find a friend that is who they present themselves to be. Am I some exception to the rule? What rule? Fakery? We all put on different faces to deal w different people - but is that personality? Friends shouldn't have to just be one facet - or maybe we are w different friends for different parts of ourselves. When we release a part of ourselves that no longer serves us - those friends are released too. It's like a death or with some friends is a relief to let it go. You wish them well but you're glad they are out of your life. Seems the history no longer matters - it's the present & what is. I guess it's judgement? Self-righteousness? I tend to look at it as self preservation and that I'm really my own bff.

9/2015: 

FEAR AND CONSUMPTION

Inspired By Michael Moore and Marilyn Manson

For 9/11/04

c. Faith Harding

Waking up to “the world’s coming to an end it’s on TV”-

In my hung-over haze, I went into the living room to see-

The fall of our financial icons-

The crumbling twin towers-

I cried for the human lives lost-

It didn’t surprise me-

Something so Hollywood-

Just enough destruction, smoke and violence-

I watched in dumbfounded awe-

I was afraid for my friends in the City-

I was afraid for the people that were flying-

I was afraid of a mass terrorist invasion-

I was afraid so I kept watching-

Television, truly the weapon of mass destruction-

Told me to run and buy a  gas mask-

Muslims are the devil-

We must be hateful-

And all the while-

Bush is the liar-

Saudis are “leavin’ on a jet plane“-

No one knew-

How tightly connected-

The turn of the proverbial screw-

Connect the dots and we did find-

Cheney, Bush, Bin Laden and Saudis are The Corporation-

What is happening for money and power-

Greed seems to lead-

How appropriate the towers fell-

Wall Street-

Mean Streets of oil and free trade-

The few and sacrifice the many-

Scare them and they will follow-

Scare them and they will swallow-

Scare them and watch them run-

Consume, Consume and then some-

Even presented with the truth-

We turn our heads in dread-

We speak out and make a difference-

Labeled traitor and unpatriotic-

Many know and do nothing about it-

Don’t bother me-

Killing others isn’t ok-

Democracy is dead-

It’s the almighty dollar-

I speak out-

I believe in the power of one-

I don’t believe what the media and our government is shoveling at us-

I don’t believe that Iraqis are evildoers-

Nor the Afghanis-

We created the monsters-

Dr. Uncle Sam-

I believe in Lady Justice-

This government will pay a heavy price-

Bloodshed for no reason-

These are fellow humans-

We haven’t learned from our past-

I believe in resolution-

I believe in truth-

I believe in a future-

I believe in tolerance-

I believe in my own voice-

Work toward the positive choice-

I will never give up-

Government does not define a people-

I am change-

Art, education and compassion-

That represents a person-

Not fear and consumption-

4/2016: 
So I haven't posted in awhile. I'm contemplating writing a book titled "Faith, Upside Down" and certainly an appropriate title. I've got lots of stories and some of them are sweet, some are tawdry, some are truly amazing that I lived through them and some are downright sad. I've got journals/diaries plenty that I will be transpose as well as writing some new passages. I'm trying to find inspiration and I guess I need to be inspired by my own life history. If you have any tales/stories that you'd like to share about you and me, please email me tophatandscarf@yahoo.com.

5/2016: 
I had a pretend friend. When I was about 4, I had this invisible friend. Now, one can psychoanalyze that but I see it as away of adapting. This pretend friend was named, Sally. She was my bff. My brother was about 2. I often think this was a result of him coming into my life but I think it was ownership. I could create a world that had nothing to do with anyone but me and my creations. I had to leave Sally at the airport in Boston when we left to live in Philippines. She was later reincarnated as I dressed my brother up as Sally. He didn't mind it so much as a little kid but when home movies surfaced of him at a family/friends' gathering as a tweener, he was furiously embarrassed! My Dad didn't think anything of it but my brother was certainly enraged as this was shown in front of some other tweener boys. I thought how confusing, I felt bad for my brother but I wondered why pretending to be a girl was so horrible?! #feminism

2/2017:
I love this picture of Kauai on the West side ... my gf, Schar does amazing photography of mostly sunrise at Salt Ponds Beach Park in Hanapepe, Kauai, HI. This picture gives me hope. The sun will rise ... I haven't done ANY journaling in such a long time. I kinda beat myself up over it. I was an avid writer, journaling sometimes for hours .... since the onset of Facebook and social media I did it less and now pretty much non existent. My hand writing is also getting so crotch-ity, scraggly as age sets it. However, I don't mind the aging really. I can't wait to unpack my belongings and find some empty journals to begin writing again. We've moved to Maui after 14 yrs. on Kauai. I never thought I would leave Kauai. Maui is big and massive. We are on the side of a dormant volcano, Mt. Haleakala or "house of the sun".  Funny cuz where we stay it's usually so cold, rainy & windy. I am not sure how I feel about it all except a sense of difference ... but still in HI. This is the "island of the valleys"  so landscape is vastly different than Kauai, the "garden island". I'm just grateful to be living the island life.

7/2017: Wow, it's been nearly 7 months on Maui. I can't say that I'm in love with this place. It's certainly beautiful but Maui isn't Kauai. While I have had major changes and challenges throughout my entire life, this is different. I find my     self talk to be that of cheerleader and one of self doubt. While my needs are met and I have a great partner in my life, there's a sense of disconnection and misplacement. It's the longing for what was and the disappointment, at times, of what is. I suppose it's also age ... which I hate to admit it, not so much getting older, but that I feel like I missed something. I look back on the past and feel like I accomplished so much in my work and life but these days I - more than I care to admit - feel like a loser. I tell those thoughts to dissipate but they creep in more and more. I remain on my alcohol-free path too, which some days are challenging but 13 yrs. alcohol-free, it would be an extreme choice for me and I know this.  I acknowledge it and tell myself - "it'll pass". Yoga practice helps but again, I have to create that space to make it happen. I miss my classes on Kauai. I continue to do yoga but not with discipline that I had on Kauai. 

I'm involved with a play and while I love the theatre and being on stage ... this is much, much more than I ever thought possible. My first musical in 26 yrs and it's work - volunteer work - dancing, singing, moving sets, dressing people, in the back ground as I have no speaking roles. I'm trying to find my "character" and it reminds me of my real working girl days back in CA or KY. It's also rather parallel in the fact I'm back working in an administrative capacity as the musical is "9 to 5". The poor treatment of especially women in the work environment - that is now glorified in our government ... misogyny, sexism, classism, socio-economics-isms, racism ...are we even in 2017?! I don't fuckin believe some of the creepy 1950s bullshit that is coming back into our mainstream consciousness. Perhaps it never left and we just thought it was getting better?! I don't want to rant as there is so much of it on social media. Funny how people with some anonymity feel free to say whatever comes off the mind and into the keyboard. How few are afraid to confront it everyday with their family and friends?! Co-workers and bosses?! Well I have and still do. I am not afraid, I suppose that's my answer to my little pathos diversion above ... ^^^^^

I'm meeting new, talented, incredible people and an opportunity to perform in a historical monument of a theatre, the IAO Theatre www.mauionstage.com. One of the most hard working shows I've done, no doubt. I hope to perform again or direct which has become my passion lately. We'll see. I wouldn't have had this opportunity if I had remained on Kauai. 

So while melancholia comes in and out of me, I recognize the truly incredible gem of a life I do live and I remind myself "do not be afraid." 

#RESIST #POWERTOTHEPEACEFUL  #NAMASTE #DONOTBEAFRAID 

1/2019: I let the entire year go by without a post. Wow ... 2019. I left my lousy job on the 2nd. I had enough of my sexist, racist boss and have put that behind me. I have the support of my partner in doing so and am grateful beyond words for that. I have a feminist man! Maui has proved to be a major challenge for me. I have done more theatre here (as you can tell from my theatre resume that is posted on this blog). It's been a hard road though. Schelping scenery, walk-on roles ...but I persevere. I am trying to wait for that "invitation" as my human design determines as a projector. I find my spirits to be better than most of 2018. A weight of magnitude proportions lifted. 

I have hope in our new Congress. More diversity and women than ever before!!! I hope we see impeachment soon. Even with this government shutdown, I have more hope for this Congress than I did in 2016. I also have gotten involved w Moms Demand Action w Everytown on sensible gun laws for this country. It's a travesty that gun violence continues in our schools and I am a survivor of my own gun violence. I also continue to volunteer at the Maui Friends of the Library Bookstore and that's something I've done since Jan. 2017 so I am going on 2 yrs. there. It's a 100% volunteered runned used bookstore that the proceeds benefit our local county libraries. My G'Ma Harding was librarian. I truly believe the way to get through melancholy is by service to others. I always feel better. I also took part in our voting process by working the polls for the primary and the general this year. Made for really looooong days but it was cool to witness this process firsthand. Many people are eager to vote but many just don't know how to do it. Truly, even when there are signs posted all over the place and frankly those ballots can be confusing. In addition, many folks have NO idea WHAT/WHO they are voting for, just voting straight party or what they've been told. Sadly, me included since I don't know much of the Maui political scene. I'm learning. I did stay abreast of Kauai and of course, the National landscape. 

I traveled to the mainland 2x in 2018. San Jose, CA first then to Asheville, NC in Feb. to hang w bffs and then to CO in Nov to my brother's. I love my brother and his ohana. Got to see Mom too.  Great trips that I didn't want to end.  I made it to my beloved Kauai in June as well. I love travel. I am still holding my manifestation for Paris this year. I REALLY hope it happens for my 55th. Yep, wow, 55 in 2019. I'm really surprised that I've made it this far. 

My intent for this world is tolerance and cohabitation. It's an old intent that keeps getting renewed not only by me but thousands. We all want to live in peace and be free. It's a human right. I am sick of all this privilege and classism. I believe we are on the precipice of a major shift. Chaos comes before beauty. I've seen that in my own life. It's harder to watch in our government however. I am not afraid. I continue to resist this regime or anyone that is a tyrant. Change is the only constant. I embrace that which is positive, righteous and benefits the good. May you do the same. Happy New Year. 

9//2019:

I suppose what matters most in my life is love.  I had preconceived notions of this at a very young age but it’s taken me until 54 to understand or get what that 4 letter word actually means.  These last several weeks have shown me what love is more than I’ve known since I was a small child.  I have an incredible array of people in my life.  I’ve been shown love which is support, compassion, empathy, laughter and good food. 

Blessed doesn’t begin to cover it.  I’ve been given an incredible gift.  I’ve been traveling since I was a small child.  My parents gave me this gift.  This gift of independence, this gift of tolerance, this gift of curiosity, this gift of kindness, this gift of saying yes and allowing the Universe to provide.  …

Kauai gave me the gift of healing.  Maui gave me the gift of reflection.  I gave my time, my talents & efforts in all sorts of endeavors but none like giving of my heart to Kauai. She is truly the love of my life.  I’ve seen Na Pali Coast which is one of the wonders of the world not just once but probably a dozen times.  I’ve made love under waterfalls, swam with dolphins and been stung by jellyfish.  I’ve laughed with friends at Salt Pond’s, watched a New Moon sky with the Milky Way swathed across the star/hoku filled night at Polihale. I’ve picked maile & mokihana in Waimea Canyon.  I swam in the Pacific Ocean nearly every day for 14 yrs. whether it was Poipu Beach Park, Salt Pond’s, Kalihiwai, Kealia, Ke`e or Polihale.  I was witness to one of the most intense lightening storms ever in Poipu and the 40 days of rain that flooded the island and killed my friends’ family & closed down the No. Shore in March of 2006  I have seen Allerton Gardens the way most folks do and had the special privilege of seeing it w an ol gardener friend.  I have been to Kipu Kai many times on my former kuuipo’s boat many times & have felt special just being able to walk on that beach.  I just encountered Pakalas for this first time and know there is so much more to Kauai that I’ve yet to discover.

I’ve held 5 jobs, cleaned condos, administrative assistant for lighting and flooring designers, receptionist at a hair salon, started my own production/promotion business., worked in community radio and as a substitute teacher. I’ve protested against the Super Ferry, GMOs and the Iraq War here.  I’ve done some stuff I never thought I would do like being the locker room manager for Ainofea for 4 cage matches on this island as they were getting started.  I was the MC of “Open Mic” at Grinds Café for 1.5 when I first came to Kauai and met soooo many talented folks.  I worked as an HIV Prevention counselor/tester for 5 yrs. w Malama Pono Health Services. It was profound work that I enjoyed and felt valued.  I found an incredible community theatre group who allowed me to direct 3 very different shows and be in a multitude of plays.  I’ve worked with some extremely talented people and watched talent blossom for first time performers.  I found peace through the Kauai Hindu Monastery on a consistent basis as well as Ola Mauoli Yoga w Patricia Howard.  I worked with the LGBTQAI community on all sorts of incredible events from Pride, Halloween, serving on the board of LAMBDA ALOHA, Paradise Ride w some of the bravest people I have ever had the pleasure. I also found my friend in 2015 dead in her home.  I’ve helped the homeless and the desperate. I found an alcohol-free life here and inspired others to do so as well. I have never loved fruit and vegetables as much as I have living in the land of mangoes, papaya, avocadoes, bananas, and other exotic fruit like lilikoi, ulu and lychee.

I loved 2 men over the 16.5 yrs I’ve been here - both 8 yrs. ea. They are kind, sweet, gentle and supportive in their own ways.  I’ve managed to remain friends with each of them.  Heartbreaking as it is, I also for the first time fell in love w an animal, my cat Homie that I will sorely miss.

Don’t get me wrong it hasn’t been without struggle. I lived in a shack on the side of Kaumualii Hwy. in Omao for 5 yrs.  and a 10 x 14 tent in Poipu for a 1.5 yrs.  High cost of living, low wages, barely able to make ends meet but I always managed.  I found a way to make it work. Kauai wanted me here until…

Maui. Maui is a big place, it’s the 2^nd biggest island.  I found reflection in living upcountry on the side of a dormant volcano, Mt. Haleakala.  I grew stuff, like a pineapple from rooting another!!! I appreciated the cooler weather and had an incredible view at my home. I fostered 2 other cats – Hapa & Greystoke and also fell in love with the birds I would feed every morning.  I always find solace in music and books.  The Maui Arts and Cultural Center is a gem of a place.  I was lucky to see many artists during my 2.5 yrs. there.  I also had one of the most positive volunteer experiences w Maui Friends of the Library Bookstore. I marched w the Women’s’ March 3x and joined Moms Demand Action.  I performed on the historic Iao theate stage under the direction of Maui OnStage that Bob Hope and Frank Sinatra performed on.  I got to see Hana 2x from 2 very different ways to get there.  The Waihou Springs Forest Reserve gave me time to reflect on my life while walking the forest floor & breathing that incredible air. The friends I did make were sweet, funny and encouraging.

I weep only because I know this is now my past.  16.5 yrs is the longest I’ve ever lived in one place in my life! I shall return to the 808, most likely to Kauai. I’ve lived in some vastly different places since I was a child:  Japan, Philippines, Maine, New Hampshire, Texas, Kentucky, NOCAL and HI.  I am now headed to the mile-high city, Denver, CO with all the aloha a wahine can pack and then some.

My darling friends, lovers and to the aina – my utmost respect & gratitude for making my life richer w love.

Aloha Oe~

Malama Pono~

A hui Hou~

Aloha plenty~

Take care~

Until we meet again~

Maui:

Kauai: 

February 2020 - Denver, CO

IT IS THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT

© FAITH HARDING

2/13/2020

It is the Winter of my discontent

Truly, I am beginning to resent

I want to reinterpret

I’ve cried a lake of tears

Over my internalized fears

Angst is something I’m good at

Hidden down inside this deep vat

Of unrequited expectations

It is the Winter of my discontent

I feel invisible

Like snow that covers it all

My frozen lament

Grieving over decisions made

Paradise lost

To awaken covered in frost

In a cave

Afraid

It is the Winter of my discontent

Bitter, dried up and old

How the landscape here appears

Matches my melancholy

Dusty and cold

It is the Winter of my discontent

Longing for lush, green & warm

Taking in pictures from the past

Staring

Inside voice is an alarm

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

It is the Winter of my discontent

Quieting my mind

My pessimistic outlook

While smiling

During my self-imposed exile

I must fight

It is the Winter of my discontent

Hibernating

Ruminating

In this tomb

Questioning if I am, indeed, in denial

I feel weak yet my tenacity is vigilant

For life

My only internal delight

It is the Winter of my discontent

These thoughts

Feeling washed up

Of no use

Constant strife

Big sigh

It is the Winter of my discontent

Hindsight

Brings wisdom

Achy & homesick

Edgy & sullen

With my discoveries

Good, Bad & the Ugly

It is the Winter of my discontent

Rays of light creep in, oh so suddenly

But are gone quickly

It’s gray

Spring will arrive

Despite this malcontent

It is the Winter of my discontent

IT IS THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT

© FAITH HARDING

2/13/2020